Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
