Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
