I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
