if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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