I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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