we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
We left the knife in your bed.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
