First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize