I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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