I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
