I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize