Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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