Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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