I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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