I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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