turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I am naked and annoyed.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
