Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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