He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
