I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
