Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
