hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
