im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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