Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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