I'm so fucking centered right now
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
