You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
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