Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize