Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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