don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
