I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Randomize
