Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I enjoy the company of your penis
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
