I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
