I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I see more hoeing in ur future
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