i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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