listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
