Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
