I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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