Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
