Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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