mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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