the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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