having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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