I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
