i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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