I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
