i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
