This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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