I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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