Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
