Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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