I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
