my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
