maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
