I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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