I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
