so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
