i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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