He asked me if I "almost moaned"
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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