In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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