Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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